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Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He'd been employed there for years when he came home one day and told his wife he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife, terribly concerned, suggested that he see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill refused.
He'd be too embarrassed, he said, and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
So a few weeks later, Bill came home one day white-faced.
His wife knew something was seriously wrong. "My God, Bill, what's wrong?" she asked.
Bill looked at her and said.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh Bill, you didn't," she moaned, horrified.
"Yes, I did," replied Bill.
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, she got fired too."

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Two ladies are standing at a bus stop and one of them is smoking a cigarette.

Suddenly, it begins to rain.

The smoking lady takes a condom from her purse, cuts the tip off and puts it over her cigarette.

Her friend asks, "What are you doing?!?" So she replies,

"I don't want my cigarette to get wet, so I covered it with this condom"
Her friend asks, "What's a condom? Where did you get it from?"

She replies, "I got it at the pharmacy".

The next day her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a condom.

The clerk asks, "What size?"
 She replies, "I dunno, one That'll fit a Camel"

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One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong, dearest??", asked the confused husband.

"Oh, darling,", sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzy's room when I found whips, chains, and handcuffs under her bed,

along with erotic pornagraphic magazines! What ever are we going to do???"

"Well,", replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question...."

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Little John attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, John asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses,

I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
John, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

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There is this guy who has a 25 inch dick.

He goes to a witch in the woods and asks her if she can make his dick smaller because he just can't please the ladies because it is just too big,

he hasn't found a lady yet who likes it and he can't get any pleasure.

She tells him to go into the woods and he will find a frog when he finds the frog he is to ask it to marry him. If the frog says no, his cock will shrink 5 inches.

He goes into the woods and finds this frog. He asks "frog, will you marry me?"
The frog says "no" And his prick shrinks five inches. The guys thinks to himself, "Wow, that was pretty cool.

But, it's still too big." So he goes back to the frog and again asks the frog: "Frog, will you marry me?"
Frog: "No, I won't marry you."

The guys dick shrinks another five inches. But that's still 15 inches and he thinks his chop is still just a little bit too big.

But he thinks that 10 inches would be just great. He goes back to the frog and asks: "Frog, will you marry me?"

Frog: How many times do I have to tell you NO, NO, NO!!!

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A State trooper pulls over a man driving a pickup truck full of penguins.

“What’s with the penguins?” says the trooper.

“They were all on the side of the road about to be run over so I picked them up”, says the man.

The trooper says, “You should take them to the zoo.”

The next day the trooper pulls over the same man with the penguins

but they’re all wearing sun glasses.

“I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?” says the trooper.

“I did, says the man, “and we had a lot of fun.

So today, I’m taking them to the beach”.

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Blonde Shampoo

A blonde and a brunette are both in an elevator.

On the third floor a man gets on who's perfect: Italian suit, handsome, great build with a nice butt,

but unfortunately they both notice he has a bad case of dandruff. The man gets off on the 5th floor.

Once the doors close, the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders."

To which the blonde replies, "How do you give Shoulders?"

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A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room.  
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says,

"Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him."  
His mom is taken by surprise and says,  

"Oh.. Well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."  
And the boy says,   "Well, that won't work!"  
His mom says,   "Why?"  
And the boy replies,   "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up.

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